Nothing’s funny bout me, everything’s just sad, even my show. You’ll see.

Nothings funny bout getting raped by your own boyfriend.Nothings funny bout getting hit in the face by your own boyfriend. Nothings funny bout him stealing your advices like mobile phone so you can’t call the police while he’s blocking the door, preventing you from leaving. Nothings funny bout him telling you you’re a whore, while spending your money. Nothings funny bout him smashing things like tables, doors, walls, etc.Nothings funny bout him lying, when he’s telling you he loves you and will never ever do it again.Nothings funny bout his mother cooking him dinner in the morning.He is 30!Nothings funny bout the fact that I stayed.Nothings funny bout the fact that I moved in together with him.Nothings funny bout the fact that I almost lost my flat.Nothings funny bout the fact that I was really scared of losing my stuff. Nothings funny bout me choking him when he hid my phone behind his back while blocking the door and screaming for help. Nothings funny bout me biting him when he wanted to snatch his keys out of my hand while I tried to pick up my stuff without his permission. Nothings funny bout the fact that I got an entry ban and now have to go to violence prevention. But the most “not so funny” thing about all that is, that I am not sorry at all. And I think they want me to be sorry. But I am just sad. Really sad about the fact that I lost my stuff and will never ever get it back again. We weren’t even married. I wasn’t even reported at his flat, since I moved in. I feel like I have no rights. No rights to choke him, when he took a lot from me. I don’t feel empty inside, I feel empty without my phone. I mean, nobodys telling him to give it back but telling me to let go of it when my only wish was to call the police. You know, theres nothing funny bout paying for sex. Paying with blue beaten eyes, paying with lacerations on the cheek, paying with money, food, etcI mean I almost payed with my life. Nothings funny bout me lying to family and friends just because I wanted them to have the image of us being a happy couple and him fighting really hard for the relationship. Of course, he, the only one who loves me really hard. Superlonely? I am super stupid, I guess.But then my loved ones tell me, that it’s not my fault.While at the same time at violence prevention they speak about “Enthirnung”. Did I took his brain or did he took mine? I am tired. I am confused.I am victim and perpetrator at the same time. Nothings funny bout that.Nothings funny bout the fact that I am diagnosed with bipolar disease and he seems to be the healthy one, telling everyone I am acting careless when he didn’t call the police after hitting a door in my face. Nothings funny bout the fact that I am really scared of being moved to jail or the psychiatry. While he’s not moving anywhere. He’s not moving out of my flat unless I call police after I told him to leave like a hundred times, in case he didn’t take my phone from me earlier. Nothings funny bout that.Nothings funny about him still writing me, that he forgives and misses me. Nothings funny bout him thinking we’re getting back together, not in court but in love. Nothings funny bout him forever being the most expensive fuck I’ve ever had.Nothings funny about me just writing on my victim impact statement which I will present to the judge while testing it’s sad impact on you.

Cause maybe if I act sad, the judge will forget the apology I ow to my Ex for doing all of this to me, while trying to overcome the Trauma I caused him when I almost choked him to death because he just didn’t want to give back my phone.

written by KUSO

R.I.P.